Some people like having poop on them. Some people just live with it. Everyone else uses a bidet.

I’m uncomfortable with the idea of just spreading excrement along your arm or torso and being content with wiping it off with a paper towel. Inconceivable.

No, any sane person would immediately treat the infected area with soap and water, possibly during a very long shower. Why is our collective butt different? In a word: complacency.

The Man has given you permission to slack on your cleanliness, but this slackery ends today with a blast from the past. The bidet is here to save the day.

The bidet is a fantastic invention popularized in France. A low-mounted sink, the bidet is intended to wash your nethers clean immediately following the Event. Modern bidets attach to the toilet unobtrusively. Some people might be put off, imagining an eye-opening jet of cold water, but most bidets feature warm water, and some even have a gentle blow dryer to finish the job.

If you think dealing with constant wiping, empty toilet paper rolls, “dingleberries” and swamp-ass is easier than a butt bath, then by all means continue your draconian ritual.

Consider, however, the environmental impact of your toilet paper. According to http://www.worldwatch.org/node/6403, 27,000 trees are turned into toilet paper every day. Virgin wood, wood that hasn’t been recycled, is the prime cut of the forest. The softest of tissue papers are this non-recycled variety, coveted by the rich and delicate.

If you’re not concerned about logging and paper use, meditate on the current drought issue. Use a bidet to save water. You may laugh, but that just means you’ve forgotten to calculate exactly how much water it takes to make a roll of toilet paper. Almost 40 gallons of water is used per individual roll of paper. There’s also a significant electricity usage of 17.3 terawatts anually. The paltry eighth of a gallon used by a bidet visit is nothing by comparison.

Bidets are also known for their health benefits. The increased cleanliness reduces risk of rashes and hemorrhoids, and the cool water provides a pleasant tingling sensation, reducing stress.

The only downside to the popularization of the bidet would be the logistics of public bathrooms. You just know someone is going to poop in the wrong porcelain bucket.

Still, if this hasn’t convinced you, then you’re a hopeless, lost cause intent on getting rashes, killing trees, using too much water and being a dirty, unhappy slob for the rest of your life. Enjoy.