Remember back in junior high school when everyone was “doing it”. The big It, the horizontal bebop, “gettin’ lucky”. Now as an adult (as in I get to go to prison), I find myself asking questions, like am I truly ready to sleep with just one person for the rest of my life?

I’m not saying I don’t love the person I’m with. She gets to see me naked all the time, and she makes me sandwiches after intercourse. What if there is someone who is more compatible than her? The fear of long-term commitment looms heavy on the horizon and I feel like my penis has more work to do. Committing right now feels like agreeing to move to Hawaii, but having never seen Morocco. Fortunately, I have a great relationship where I can voice these concerns. Of course, I would be tossed against a wall and beaten.

Communication in a relationship is easy. Men, when your partner is right acknowledge it. Let them know you didn’t see it from their side. When you’re right in an argument, remember in their beady eyes you’re an asshole.

Girlfriends know that men like pretty things that smell of vanilla. Single women know this too and use it to make males miserable. A single woman spends all morning primping to attract the opposite sex. Girlfriends become catty towards the single ladies. And guys just wait for a threesome.

Men, we’re smelly from all sides and ends before and after meals. We like Jessica Alba, food, or Jessica Alba flavored foods. I’m just afraid that one day she’s going to wake up and see me for the flatulent horn dog I am and kick me to the curb. Till then I’m Jay Dub, I’m not single. Please don’t flirt with me.