Successful student: Scary survival

Jocelyn Mobley, Features Editor

With midterms right around the corner, the last thing students want to think about is having to carry a silver dagger or machete. Here are all the ins and outs of warding off the things that go bump in the night.


Werewolves are still part human. When a full moon is approaching, stay indoors and study instead. If that doesn’t work, kick them in the crotch to prove your dominance.

If you realize you’re the werewolf, tie yourself up with rope and drink alchemy-enriched water to reduce the chance of fatalities.


Vampires are one of the smarter monsters, they’re fast and they’re nimble. They won’t hesitate to kill you.

You could protect yourself with garlic or crucifixes, but I bet they won’t be surprised with any of the tricks you try to pull. Instead hit them where it hurts, right in their Obsessive Compulsive Disorder predicament. Carry around a bag of miscellaneous small items like beads or knotted twine to spill when vampires are chasing you. Their OCD will make them stop and clean up your mess. Make loud noises to distract and frustrate them even more.


Unlike with vampires, blend in and don’t make a racket. Zombies are not the smartest of monsters. Try to act like them, tilt your head, maybe drool a little bit and let your mind go blank. Pretend you are one of them and they just might be dumb enough to believe you.

If all else fails, buy them a cup of coffee and they’ll turn right back into sleep-deprived students during midterms.


If the air suddenly changes temperature or an unusual smell wafts through, you might be in the presence of a spirit.  First, determine whether the spirit means to harm you or not. If not, congratulations! You have made a new friend.

In the other case, you might want to have a few tricks up your sleeve. First off, tell it to leave. Be nice at first, but then become more demanding if it’s not willing to vacate. Stop using any dark magic or Ouija boards, go outside and soak in the sun.

Killer Robots

Killer robots are a little more difficult to kill since they are not necessarily alive. But you can short-circuit or outsmart them. Use a Super Soaker full of water to short their fuses.

If that doesn’t work, give them a paradox to distract them. Something along the lines of “What would happen if Pinocchio said, ‘My nose is growing!’”

If all else fails, turn them off by saying “Damn, you’re a 10… on the pH scale ‘cause you basic.”