March Horoscopes

Adeira Sherpa and Brandon McCapes

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Let your adventurous and upbeat nature lead you down a new path— or perhaps trail. Give Alamere Falls a chance. Picnic near where the waterfall meets the ocean. For extra adventure points, don’t wear shoes and only eat and drink water you find. Scavenge mushrooms. They’re generally benign and not fatal, but you never know and that’s what makes it exciting!. Let the adventure begin!


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Oh, lover of security and reliability, maybe it’s better to stay close to home this month and not venture further than what your comfort allows. Install some security measures to protect your home, stock up on water, canned food and cheap alcohol and invest in a bedpan. You’ll need while you wait out the month until the stars are friendlier. Perhaps next month you’ll be more willing to try something new.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Take your youthful and lively spirit to enjoy some live music. Don’t stress the small things like you’ve been doing for the past few weeks. Seriously, it’s bumming everyone out and it’s not doing any favors for your heart health


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your intuition won’t steer you wrong. There’s something you’ve been wanting to do. Just do it. Come out of that closet, rob that bank you’ve been planning to or change your name and join up with the Syrian rebels.Your family will support you, unless you were planning to murder some older siblings in an inheritance scheme. Then you’re on your own but you will be wealthy.


Leo (July 23-August  22)

It’s time to be a little selfish. Your generosity is appreciated, but you need some you time. Relax at a spa or go out for a nice meal. Treat yourself. Have you ever tried eating human? Now is the time.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Stop letting your shyness get in your way. Get out of the house more and have a little fun. Star a in a naked Shakespeare production in Courthouse Square!


Libra (September 23-October 22)

Go to a coffee shop. If you don’t like coffee sip on some tea. If you don’t like tea, try some MDMA. Your easygoing and sociable nature is going to connect you with some really interesting people.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Your determination is unparalleled. It is time to do something dramatic. Have your friends give you a dare and just do it. If they don’t give you anything good, get a facial tattoo.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Your optimism is inspiring to others butt’s time to get more involved. Join a club or try a new activity. Scientology is always recruiting and they have a boat!


Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Don’t let your cautiousness keep you from anything this month. Go out for drinks with new friends. Tijuana isn’t that far away, and trust the stars, you will return changed.


Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You’re a naturally independent person, but let others guide you this month. Make a new friend. Let somebody in.


Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Let your imagination run wild. Your creative juices are flowing, and it’s time to express that whether through art or music or cooking. You do you.