The Oak Leaf

February Horoscopes: Nihilism(!) Edition

Our+lives+are+utterly+brief+and+unimportant+when+one+considers+the+vastness+of+time+and+space.
Our lives are utterly brief and unimportant when one considers the vastness of time and space.

Our lives are utterly brief and unimportant when one considers the vastness of time and space.

Our lives are utterly brief and unimportant when one considers the vastness of time and space.

Brandon McCapes, Co-Editor-in-Chief

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   Aires (March 21-April 19) 

The cautious optimism you cling to is unfounded. Your upcoming month will attest to the fact that life is a painful endeavor full of disappointment, exhaustion, and depression. Strap in—it’s going to be a long, cold winter.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20) 

A seemingly insignificant act of carelessness by someone you hold in high esteem will send you into a spiraling depression out of which you may never return.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You will find love but they will leave you or you will get bored and leave them and if not, one of you and then the other will die someday.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Hey friend, you’re doing great and people are noticing. Seriously, you’re appreciated and people care about you! But most importantly, you care about you. Things will really start to come together this next month and that’s just the start of a long, fulfilling and meaningful life.

      Leo (July 23-August 22)

People are onto your shit. You better change up your game.

       Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Your life is full of loved ones; unfortunately, as you have known since you were young, you lack the ability to love in a real way. No matter how many friends, family members and significant others you surround yourself with, you will never find the happiness you seek to fill the hole where your heart should be.

     Libra (September 23-October 22)

That thing you did last month you thought everyone forgot about? Guess what—they didn’t forget and nothing you do will ever gain back their respect.

     Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Avoid cliffs. Or don’t. Nothing matters.

     Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Someone you think you can trust is plotting against you out of jealousy. Little do they know, you have nothing of value and offer nothing of value.

     Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Not every nihilistic horoscope is a winner. And neither are you.

     Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Something about which you care dearly will come and pass and you will realize that the joys of life are fleeting and question the point of caring about anything at all.

      Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You will come to know that you are nothing but an unfortunate collection of molecules participating in a pointless expansion of space and time as the universe cools and moves towards entropy.

 

In the interest of journalistic integrity, the author would like to disclose that his sign is Cancer.

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