He said: “Fifty Shades of lame”

Sean Curzon, Staff writer

 1/5

Don’t see this movie.

If you’re curious about it, being dragged by a significant other or actually interested in it, skip it. “50 Shades of Grey” is based off the novel of the same name, which itself was based on a “Twilight” fan-fiction called “Master of the Universe.” Sadly it doesn’t feature He-Man beating up Edward Cullen, but follows Edward and Bella doing bondage. When it gained a huge following online, author E. L. James changed the main characters’ names and had it published.

The film follows Ana Steele (Dakota Johnson) as she is coerced into a relationship with mysterious businessman Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Steele is an English literature major sent to interview Gray for her college newspaper. Steele gets roped into this because her roommate, who is an actual journalism major, has a cold. Why send Steele instead of someone who actually studied journalism? Because then there wouldn’t be a movie.

The movie never says what Grey’s company actually does. The characters throw around phrases like agriculture, telecommunications and clean energy without any context or sense behind them. Grey might as well be shouting, “Business, business, business” during his business meetings like he is Unikitty from “The Lego Movie.”

One of the film’s biggest problems is the main actors clearly do not want to be in the movie. Jamie Dornan reads his lines like he is being forced at gunpoint. No chemistry exists between the two leads. They do not kiss so much as awkwardly press their faces together.

The actual romance is creepy. Grey unleashes heaps of emotional abuse onto Steele. He stalks her nearly everywhere she goes, berates her for keeping in contact with anyone else, sells her car without her permission and has her sign a sex slave contract. That’s right, for Steele to be in a relationship with Grey she has to sign a contract that gives him control of her sex life. This contract includes Steele living at his apartment and only eating Grey approved foods.

When Steele initially declines to sign his creepy sex contract, Grey breaks into her apartment, ties her to the bed post, blinds her with her own shirt, then has sex with her without waiting for her to say a damn thing. But it’s OK because she said it was totes hot afterward.

Grey also spanks Steele every time she bugs him. “Bugging” him includes being upset that he sold her car without consulting her, and installed Wi-Fi in her house without permission so he can track her at all times.

He physically hits her for visiting her mother. But it’s OK because spanking is naughty, tee-hee. The normalizing of abuse in this movie is sickening.

Removed from the context of abusive relationship, the sex scenes are oddly vanilla. Considering it’s based on a book that has a reputation for being super kinky, the sex was bland. It was mostly Grey tying Steele to bedposts blindfolded and then the two sensually rubbing together. Rinse and repeat. He spanks her a couple of times, but nothing else. The most explicit thing is a few shots of their pubic hair.

Don’t give this trash any more money. Unsexy at best, morally repugnant at worst, “50 Shades of Grey” is a must pass.