A gentleman walks into a bar after a long day to order a well-deserved drink. The bartender is serving other patrons, and at first, he doesn’t mind waiting. Then the bartender turns to pour a few beers for the eager wait staff waiting at the well, apparently ignorant of the man’s need for a drink. The bartender still hasn’t acknowledged him, and his patience has worn thin. What should he do next?

Most guests aren’t aware of proper bar etiquette or the stress the job creates. A touch of personality, the art of drink-crafting and a constant hustle are the essence of bartending.

The job offers a unique view into the human psyche. When you tend bar, you are a part-time therapist, latenight babysitter and occasional hero who might hail a ride when they can barely stand, all while straddling that line between excellent hospitality and the desire to flip off that one guest snapping at you. Nothing can prepare you for becoming a bartender — you just have to sink until you can swim.

For every problem guest, there are 10 pleasant ones who help keep you level-headed and serve as a reminder of the enjoyable side of the job. No matter who sits at the bar, everyone leaves a memory — whether it fades by the end of your shift or etches a story into your brain you can tell for years to come.

Strange tales

Alora Maio has bartended for 15 years and has witnessed her fair share of absurd tales. One of her wildest involved a regular who joined for happy hour every week. One Friday, she showed up missing her front tooth. “Definitely not sober,” Maio said. “I had a full bar top and she chose to sit on the lap of a gentleman. Mind you, his wife was sitting next to him. The wife went ape-shit.”

Maio’s manager escorted the woman out to the parking lot. “About 10 minutes later, she runs in and sits with a party and starts eating their food and drinking their drinks,” Maio said. Mall security arrived and had to chase the woman around the restaurant until she ducked into the women’s restroom. Police arrived moments later and a female officer coaxed her out of the stall to arrest her. “Then the following Friday, like clockwork, she came in for happy hour,” Maio said.

Justin Elder of Ausiello’s 5th Street Bar and Grill shared a funny moment that, after the fact, became easier for him to laugh about.

“On a busy Friday night, I was clearing food baskets and glasses off the bar and I set them all down while I was throwing away some trash. They ended up falling into the ice well full of trash, food and everything. At that moment with how busy we were, I thought ‘WOW,’ that really just happened.”

Annoying customers

Many guests want free alcohol and believe bartenders determine the strength of each drink. Bri Longoria, a bartender of 12 years, formerly of Applebee’s, said, “A customer tried to fight me because I wasn’t going to give them free alcohol.”

Bartenders are just trying to make a living, following recipes and pouring measurements. Guests never fail to point out that their drink is weak, or ask for a stronger one — always shocked when informed of extra charges.

According to Elder, the most annoying thing a guest can do is snap or whistle at a bartender. “You snap or whistle at me, you’re going to be waiting longer,” he said. Bartenders are there to provide you with friendly and helpful service, not bend
to your will.

The behavior that most annoys Ari Perez, a Cheesecake Factory bartender of 10 years, is “when customers ask for light ice and then complain that their drink is not full.”

Maio gets annoyed by some guests’ decisions before she even serves them. “When a guest chooses to sit in the one spot that is dirty out of all the open available seats, then rushes me to clear it off.”

Let’s be judgy

A drink order can often reveal a lot about a guest. Whether they choose wine, beer, a shot or a cocktail, it’s difficult to resist forming opinions. Most bartenders tend to enjoy learning and crafting new recipes, and many are quite involved, so no drink is too problematic to make — other than blended drinks.

Longoria said, “No drink makes me judge a customer. I like making different, new drinks.”

And yet, some cocktails stand out and are more susceptible to judgment.

The White Russian is an outdated, rich and creamy drink popularized in the ’90s that should have stayed there. The Appletini was made for those who don’t like the taste of alcohol. It’s pure sugar and tastes like a green Jolly Rancher, with a second round all but guaranteed.

Espresso Martinis are a good option when you need a boost for the rest of the day, while the minimalist is satisfied with a simple rum and Coke. One drink that’s notorious for producing the quickest buzz is the Long Island iced tea.

“If they are ordering that, they are looking to get messed up for the night,” Elder said. The AMF, or an Adios Mother F’er, Long Island’s equally potent cousin, consists of five different liquors, a sweet and sour mix and Sprite to cover up the strength of the drink. This is for “somebody trying to black out,” according to Maio. “Adios, Mother Fucker.”

Part-time therapist

Bartenders show up to work knowing they will be hearing life problems from both strangers and regulars. How each bartender handles their therapist duties is subjective. When people start drinking, words start spilling out, and they will share anything from their weekend plans to their deepest fears.

“Sometimes you just have to sit there and listen to them,” Perez said. “Drunk people always need to get their feelings out.”

Maio has sympathy for these guests. “I like to think that I offer a safe space for my guests,” she said. “When the drinks start flowing, it’s like word vomit. I listen and offer advice when solicited.”

Elder offered a solution for those guests whose stories flow as fast as the drinks.

“If I need to walk away, I start nodding my head and walking away to pull myself away from the conversation,” he said. “If they are oversharing or I feel uncomfortable, I just kindly tell them that I am uncomfortable with the conversation at the moment.”

Danielle Carter, a bartender with 20 years of experience between the Sweetwater Bar and the Cheesecake Factory, said these therapy sessions are transactional. “Lots of people don’t have other people to talk to, so they tip bartenders to talk and pay attention to them.” This is an accurate view of a bartender’s best chance at a profitable night, and one of many reasons to tip your bartender accordingly: We will listen.

To tip, or not to tip

Bartenders live and die by the guests’ generosity. If you can’t afford to tip, you most likely can’t afford the drink. Drinks are expensive at bars, and that’s a fact. You aren’t tipping for the drink, you’re tipping for the service. You don’t have to break the bank, but don’t stiff your bartender.

All bartenders have a way to achieve their daily financial endgame. “I let my cocktails and outstanding service do the talking,” Maio said.

Elder doesn’t feel like he has to put on a show for tips either. “I just treat people the way I would want to be treated,” he said. “I feel that is what helps me get the bigger tip.”

Perez said it doesn’t matter how she acts. “People are gonna tip you or not, no matter what you do,” she said. “Cheap people are still cheap, even if you are nice to them.”

Carter, straying from the crowd, said, “We absolutely put on a show for tips.”

All bartenders are aligned with Longoria when she said, “The worst thing a customer can do is not tip and be rude on top of that. I just try to be my normal self and give good customer service all the time. Some things in the bar are out of my control.”

So please, be patient with your bartenders. They will wait on you when they get a minute.