The following is a satirical article that contains explicit content. Reader discretion is advised.
Let’s face it, some people hate Valentine’s Day. It’s the day couples display their mushy love while singles display discontent. If you’re trying to dodge this year’s Valentine’s Day, here are a few tips. Time to bust out the rosé!
Disconnect from social media.
Social media is where you’ll find every couple’s photo on Valentine’s Day. Do you really have time to scroll through Instagram stories of couples feeding sushi to one another? No you don’t. You’ll thank yourself on the 15th when your feed goes back to displaying the regular bullsh*t.
Tell everyone you don’t recognize the holiday.
The best way to avoid Valentine’s Day is to ignore that it even exists. Pessimism is simply a lifestyle, don’t participate in the sappy parts of the hallmark holiday celebrations. After all, V-day as we know it was generated by greeting card and candy companies.
Instead of buying someone else’s affection, buy your own! While everyone else is forcing their public displays of affections down your throat, pull the trigger on that shower massager in your Amazon cart!
Hit the gym.
There’s nothing better than working out to release the stress of being single. You’ll lose calories, instead of eating chocolate a significant other would’ve given you. And doing squats will get you the ass you’ve always wanted. That’ll show “Josh.”
Go out to brunch with single people.
What’s better than a date? Ordering bottomless mimosas and not caring how drunk you’ll get. Not to mention casual pity sex in the bathroom with a stranger.
Play drinking games by yourself.
There’s nothing like irresponsible binge drinking to heal a broken heart. Push yourself to get drunker than you want by playing Valentine’s Day drinking games with friends who also revel in despising the holiday. Or try drinking whenever you feel crippled by loneliness, ponder dying alone and think of ways to kill Josh.
Do your taxes
It’s the perfect day to focus on your own finances rather than spending them on an overpriced date. You’ll be proud knowing you got them done before all the love birds do. Also, start thinking about what to do with that refund. Solo travel anyone?
Visit your parents
Spend time with your parents. They need love too because they’re not getting it from each other. Visiting two people who’ve spent decades making each other miserable will make you happy about being single. Your dad’s pill problem and mom’s infidelity are proof enough.
Don’t leave the house
It’s the only way to fully avoid the sappy Hallmark holiday. No more worrying about bumping into couples out on the town, or seeing Josh with some other woman’s tongue down his throat. Board up your windows with cardboard to block out the haters.
Trash your ex’s new lover’s place
A little breaking and entering with some moderate-to-severe vandalism will do wonders to get you through V-day without a beau. Cut eyes out of photos, steal strands of hair for a voodoo doll and leave an upper-decker. Teach that b*tch Miranda not to steal another woman’s man!